I'm NOT a lumber jack and i'm ok.

so the day after the unfortunate french door thing, i decided to give up housewifing for a short time and do some lumberjacking.  i found out that to trim a tree in the yard you need:  3 saws, 2 bees, a ladder and a cicada.

1.  locate a saw.... like the one above.
2.  when your husband doesn't think you have one, go to the store and buy one.
3.  be sure the kids are safely on the porch and out of harms way. 
4.  sturdy your ladder next to the tree and carefully climb up with your brand new saw.
5.  grasp the branch to be cut and begin sawing.
6.  try not to fall off the ladder when the cicada falls onto the leaf right in front of your face.
7.  wipe sweat,  rest your sawing arm, and tell the children to get back on the porch.
8.  begin sawing again.
9.  rest arm again.
10.  get off the ladder and go into the garage in search of a better saw and discover many saws that your husband forgot he had. 
11.  bring two of those saws back up the ladder (one with similar teeth but in a smaller version to the saw you already have and one with much smaller teeth and a thinner blade.)
12.  begin to saw with the little thin saw.
13.   tell the children to get back on the porch again.
14.  saw vigorously for several minutes and make very little progress.
15.  switch back to the bigger saw.
16.  answer a random question from one of the kids and tell her to get back on the porch.... AGAIN. (you can rest your arm again at this time.)
17.  try to break off the branch even though you have not made much progress.
18.  repeat steps 12 - 17
19.  admire the fact that you are nearly half way through the branch.
20.  remember that you have a third saw you haven't used yet and give that one a try.
21.  keep sawing to hide the fact that you are laughing at your neighbors who are screaming at each other in the yard about grocery shopping.
22.  shoo the bees away.
23.  saw a little more.
24.  saw a little faster.(which stirs up the bees even more.)
25.  saw a little faster.(to get done faster and hopefully avoid being stung by the bees)
26.  stop to rest your arm and shoo the bees away.
27.  accidentally saw a bee in half because it was buzzing down inside the cut in the branch.
28.  try not to fall off the ladder when the branch begins to fall which you didn't notice because you were watching the bees.
29.  try not to hit the children with the branch because they are off the porch again and you didn't notice because the bees got the cicada stirred up and it's moving closer to your face.
30.  open a beer and admire your work.
31.  spot 3 other branches that need trimmed also.
32.  text your husband that he needs to trim the rest of the tree and that you have plenty of saws.
33.  take the saws into the garage and hide them.
34.  give up on lumberjacking.


up next..... I'm really not a bad mom, i just talk like one.