A blog for 21st century women in a 19th century role!


1. I swear ... A LOT! I don't intend to offend people, but it happens.

2. my spelling and grammar and capitalization are horrible. i don't have time for spell check and the "shift" key.

3. I am an open person. A VERY open person. So, I may... from time to time... mention my sex life, or my time spent in the bathroom, or other un-savory things that you might not want to hear about. BE WARNED! I say what i say and you may chose to read it or not to... either way, i'mma write it.


I've been a working Mom, and I've been a stay-at-home Mom...... and working is easier! I've been a stay-at-home Mom for nearly 4 years and I am only NOW learning.... I'VE BEEN DOING IT WRONG! Each day, (well, most days anyway) I'll be attempting some mundane "housewife" duty that I'm not used to or has changed or that I've only just realized I've been doing wrong. I hope to entertain at least a few people and maybe help someone else who is going through what i'm going through....

Friday, October 7, 2011

There's always gonna be another mountain... I'm always gonna wanna make it move.

I would never air all my dirty laundry on the Internet...... THIS laundry is all  nice and clean.  Wrinkly due to being in a heap for a few days.... but still, clean.  and please, don't judge our wrinkles.  we had more family time at some point and time because i put off the folding.  we'd rather be wrinkled together, than well pressed apart.  and no, i don't iron.  that would be a total waste of time for me unless someone has a job interview.  and i know that many of you do iron and can't stand to go out in wrinkly clothes.  please know i don't judge your well pressed clothes either.  you gotta follow your own laundry bliss.  we don't own an ironing board and the only iron we have is a travel iron someone gave us because they couldn't believe we didn't have one.  i think I've used it once and Blane has used it about 3 times..... in 8 years. 


Ladies and Gentlemen.... this is Mt. Laundry. (*CYMBAL CRASH*) I do laundry as seldom as possible.... so when I do, there's lots to do.  Mt. Laundry is located on the bed in our guest room.... also known as "grandad's room".  since he comes to stay about every other week, i know i have a deadline to get it all folded.  which is good motivation for me!  so this is where we start.  I usually turn on HGTV or some all day marathon of cold case files or law and order.  and i first begin to sort.....

Sorry for the strange angle.  but here's the sorting and how it goes.  to get to this point usually only takes me an hour.  but usually i don't fold as i go.  this day, i did.  this took me about 2 1/2 hours including time to stop occasionally and get the girls something or help with what ever.  folding as i go does not prolong or shorten the process.  it just depends on what i feel like that day.  i don't fold Blane's clothes very often besides matching his socks.  he hangs up all of his shirts and we don't fold pants the same way.... so i let him do his own and put it away.  i put everything else away.  which is my most hated part of laundry.  after the folding, we usually end up getting dressed out of the laundry baskets for at least 2 days.  when Blane doesn't put his clothes away.... this happens.....

ha ha ha.  joke is really on me because i have to rewash it all and clean the pounds of dog hair out of the dryer lint trap.  this is not the biggest Mt. Laundry we've ever had, nor the smallest.  i don't know why i do laundry this way... i just really can't make myself do one load a day or when the basket is full.  i also only sort whites from colors about twice a year.  and we're all OK with it.  due to us having no desire to have our clothes shrink, we wash everything on cold and dry on low.  any "dry clean only" clothes or "hand wash only" either stay at the store, or get washed anyway.  if they fall apart.... oh, well.  i look at dishes the same way.  if it can't go in the microwave or dishwasher, i don't have them.  it's as useful as a dog having a car.  i usually have to pump myself up for laundry day by singing "ain't no mountain high enough" or some other such motivational song about a mountain.  Blane won't fold laundry.  he HAS done it before.... but usually will just put them in the washer, to the dryer, and on to Mt. Laundry.  i forgive him this because a very long time ago we made a deal that if i never had to do yard work, he'd never have to do laundry.  but i DO wind up doing a little yard work and likewise, he helps with laundry.  fair is fair.  i realize that what I've written in this blog isn't very funny or helpful... but the pictures are funny (i think so anyway).  and i am sharing my housewifing experience.  so there's that.  hope it's been worth it.....

and for a bit of humor:  a joke...

what's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
about 45 pounds.
what's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
about 45 minutes.

iLove that joke.

up next:  tips and tricks from a chick who don't know shit!  :)  some helpful stuff  every lazy but loving wife and mother should know!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Random thoughts.... by Mary's NOT Handy

~ I’m getting good at picking out curtains.  That’s not funny or witty…. Just true.  What I do is I find what’s on sale and figure out if I can make it work or not.  If not, then today is not the day to buy curtains.

~ Why is it that it takes all damn day to clean one or two rooms in the house, and a few minutes for the dogs, husband, and kids to make it look like I never touched it?  The only thing less fair is when you take 2 weeks to lose 5 pounds and put them back on in one weekend!  I’m gonna call a BULL-SHIT for housewives everywhere on this one!

~ Why on earth do I make these long “to-do” lists?  I’m lucky if I get half of it done!  And now I’ve wasted all that time writing.  Not to mention ink out of my favorite pen!

~ While we’re talking about favorite pens…. Mine is the Pilot G-2  .07.  When I lose this pen, I search for it for about 2 hours, go to the store and buy a new one, only to usually find it between the couch cushions or have my husband say “oh, I took it to school.  I thought it was mine.”  No you didn’t.  You don’t have one!  Turd.

~ I have been cleaning so much lately that I actually KNOW what cleaners I have and don’t have.  I went to look for the pledge the other day and couldn’t find it.  And I said “I KNOW I have some somewhere.”  This stopped me in my tracks!  Any other time I’d have said “I thought I had some.  Oh, well.  I’ll dust another day after I go buy some more.”  This is shocking to me since before I went so long in-between using cleaners (other than counter spray and dish soap) that I never rightly remembered what I had.

~ My desk has become a total mess.  And for once….iBlame my iPhone.  I do most computer stuff from my phone now.  But when there’s something I need to deal with later, I put it on my desk or have the kids do it.  So now here’s this mountain of stuff on my desk because I so rarely sit here.  (I’m typing around this pile right now).

~ REMINDER:  ALWAYS knock down the cobwebs BEFORE you vacuum.  This should be common sense… but had to be learned the hard way by yours truly. 

~ A word to the makers of the “steam in the bag” veggies.  I’m going to need something more specific than “10-15 minutes.”  There’s a lotta room in there to either scorch your veggies, or not get them done.  And they’re in a bag!  Not like on the stove where you can look at them or poke them to see if they’re done.  Once you cut into that bag, the magic of “steam in the bag” is gone and you can’t get it back.  That kind of magic is a once-per-bag kinda magic.

That is all for now. 

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Moms say the darndest things!

most days i feel like a broken record around here with either
"girls, play nice"
"not today"
or "what did i just say?"

so "because i said so" is a place i don't even want to go.  i know how often i would say it if i made a habit of it so i try to avoid the phrase all together.  instead, when my kids ask me why they can't have or do something, i always answer with:
1.  because I'm a mean old woman.
2.  because i don't want you to be happy.
3.  because i like your sister better.
4.  any combination of the first 3 options.

if i use 2 or 3, they always say "you're just kidding".  if i use 1, i only get told I'm kidding sometimes.  in either case my kids know i don't mean it and i get to avoid the BISS response. (Because I Said So).  the best part about it is when people overhear me say it in public.  boy the looks i get.  like when i offer Tessa a knuckle sandwich or tell Layla we have to hurry home because it's almost time for her beatings.  all jokes that we laugh off together. my favorite is still when, in front of a person we had just met, my sister Bobbi asked me if i got a babysitter when Blane and i went out.  i said, "sure, i call it a baby sitter... some people call it a cage.  but in the end the kid is safe so its all good."  and i figure if my kids are going to make me sound like a bad mom, i may as well play along.  I remember the look i got from the cashier, bag boy, and people behind me in line at Kroger when the cashier asked Layla what her daddy's name was.  she was pretty little still and instead of saying "i don't know his name"  she said "i don't know who my daddy is".  that's one example.  another time she told someone that mommy didn't tuck her in at night because i was in the bar all night and she was by herself.  clearly i was at work and she was not by herself.  Blane was home.  but that was what she said and once a person hears that its hard to un-ring the bell. 
yes, my kids know the difference between the beer i drink and what Tim drinks.  they have both learned cuss words the way most kids do, from their parents and grandparents.  (the time Tessa told Layla her rules were "boo-shit" is still ringing in my ears!).   but they also have great senses of humor which is why we can joke with them the way we do.  so if you ever hear me saying i have to beat my kids, or that we're looking to sell one of them......  know that its just my way of saying "i love you", and i probably don't mean it.

I'm NOT a lumber jack and i'm ok.

so the day after the unfortunate french door thing, i decided to give up housewifing for a short time and do some lumberjacking.  i found out that to trim a tree in the yard you need:  3 saws, 2 bees, a ladder and a cicada.

1.  locate a saw.... like the one above.
2.  when your husband doesn't think you have one, go to the store and buy one.
3.  be sure the kids are safely on the porch and out of harms way. 
4.  sturdy your ladder next to the tree and carefully climb up with your brand new saw.
5.  grasp the branch to be cut and begin sawing.
6.  try not to fall off the ladder when the cicada falls onto the leaf right in front of your face.
7.  wipe sweat,  rest your sawing arm, and tell the children to get back on the porch.
8.  begin sawing again.
9.  rest arm again.
10.  get off the ladder and go into the garage in search of a better saw and discover many saws that your husband forgot he had. 
11.  bring two of those saws back up the ladder (one with similar teeth but in a smaller version to the saw you already have and one with much smaller teeth and a thinner blade.)
12.  begin to saw with the little thin saw.
13.   tell the children to get back on the porch again.
14.  saw vigorously for several minutes and make very little progress.
15.  switch back to the bigger saw.
16.  answer a random question from one of the kids and tell her to get back on the porch.... AGAIN. (you can rest your arm again at this time.)
17.  try to break off the branch even though you have not made much progress.
18.  repeat steps 12 - 17
19.  admire the fact that you are nearly half way through the branch.
20.  remember that you have a third saw you haven't used yet and give that one a try.
21.  keep sawing to hide the fact that you are laughing at your neighbors who are screaming at each other in the yard about grocery shopping.
22.  shoo the bees away.
23.  saw a little more.
24.  saw a little faster.(which stirs up the bees even more.)
25.  saw a little faster.(to get done faster and hopefully avoid being stung by the bees)
26.  stop to rest your arm and shoo the bees away.
27.  accidentally saw a bee in half because it was buzzing down inside the cut in the branch.
28.  try not to fall off the ladder when the branch begins to fall which you didn't notice because you were watching the bees.
29.  try not to hit the children with the branch because they are off the porch again and you didn't notice because the bees got the cicada stirred up and it's moving closer to your face.
30.  open a beer and admire your work.
31.  spot 3 other branches that need trimmed also.
32.  text your husband that he needs to trim the rest of the tree and that you have plenty of saws.
33.  take the saws into the garage and hide them.
34.  give up on lumberjacking.

up next..... I'm really not a bad mom, i just talk like one.

Shut the French Door!

isn't that what they're called?  interior doors in sets of 2 with 15 small windows in them?  i think they're called french doors.  i need to brush up on my HGTV. 

     so, in my attempts to be a good housewife, i started to clean things i've never cleaned before.  the french door was my first total failure.  no matter how many times i cleaned them, the crayon mark was on the other side.  so i'd clean that side and it was still there.  i thought i was losing my damn mind!  this side, that side, this side..... i was only working on 9 of those little windows and it took me an hour!  so here are my instructions on how to (unsuccessfully) clean a french door.
1.  spray all glass with glass cleaner (the good kind from napa that foams).
2.  wipe off with paper towel being sure not to leave streaks.
3.  repeat on the other side.
4.  repeat on the other side because the crayon is really on that side.
5.  repeat steps 1-4 three more times.
6.  go get the kitchen scrubbie and re-apply glass cleaner.
7.  scrub all the little windows until it is impossible that any crayon has survived and wipe with paper towel.
   *  you will now notice that there is grease on the windows from the pan you scrubbed with the scrubbie     yesterday.  you will also notice that the crayon is STILL on the other side. 
8.  go get the crayon box to ensure that they are "washable".  read the entire box on all sides to see if there is a warning about crayon marks causing a chemical reaction on contact with glass that bonds the two together for all of eternity.
9. use the kitchen scrubbie to scrub the OTHER SIDE AGAIN! 
10.  go get the 409
11.  apply to all panes of glass that are greasy.
12.  wipe with paper towel.
13.  go to kitchen to get more paper towel.
14.  go to store to get more paper towel.
15.  return to find that the 409 and grease have dried to a soapy-ish film on the windows.
16.  get a wet cloth to wipe that off.  re apply 409 AGAIN!
17.  wipe with paper towel to remove grease.
19.  wipe with paper towel to remove streaks left by 409.
20. call napa and tell them where they can stick their glass cleaner.
21.  go to the drawer where the hammer is and take deep breaths..... close the drawer, but think evil thoughts about breaking all the little windows.  who ever made a window that little anyway?  what a stupid idea.  are french doors really french?  that might explain it.  damn asshole thinking all those little windows are a good idea..... what a jerk.  i'll bet he NEVER thought of having to clean them!  i hope he chokes on a crayon.
22.  happily throw the glass cleaner away so you never have to go through this kind of torture again. 
23.  go to the french door you did not clean. 
24.  admire all the finger prints and crayon marks.  think of how they will someday be a nice reminder of when your kids were little because you will never attempt to clean a french door again!

in conclusion,   it's fair to say that i hate cleaning glass and have decided not to do it anymore.  i think all glass should have tear off strips like the windows on race cars.  and i'm also writing a nasty letter to those crayola bastards...... washable my ass!  i AM thinking of letting the kids color in all the squares in the doors.... maybe it will look like a stained glass masterpiece!
i also would like to encourage you ladies to throw away all your glass cleaner to save you from ever having to go through what i went through.
up next.....tree trimming.

Thursday, September 8, 2011


this was supposed to be the first post, but i accidentally saved it as a draft instead of publishing it.  my bad.

I call it THE LIST because this list will follow my discoveries of what "housewifing" duties i like, don't like, can't stand, refuse to do ever ever again!  so before the blog, (some of which happened before this blog was started and i wrote the blog posts based on my notes.... bear with me), here is a list of what i THOUGHT i did and did not like to do around the house as far as duties go.....

organizing stuff in pretty baskets
gardening (planting and harvesting only)
building fires
being a hostess
steam cleaning kitchen floor
deoderizing (aka- fabreezing)

doing dishes

can't stands:
refuse to ever ever do agains:
come along with me as i discover just what it is that a housewife is supposed to do..... (3 years after i became a housewife.)